Thursday, October 20, 2011

7 Years Later: Exposed

I felt naked walking around.  Sometimes I would freak out hours into my work day and grab my shoulder to find the strap: "Oh good, I put on a bra today."  One day I forgot to put on a bra; thankfully I realized it on the way to work.  That is how out of it I was.  If you know Lizzy, you know, this is like really, really out of it.

"Free to be" day was easy to recover from, though, compared to how exposed I felt in other ways.  I felt like someone had turned me inside out and my internal mess was out there for all to see.  Perhaps it was all the processing I was doing; perhaps the therapy.  But mostly, it was that I could not hide behind anything I had anymore: not my productivity, not my good nature, not my Christianese, etc, etc...

I walked around feeling like everyone could see "my junk," (double meaning intended - go ahead and laugh).  It felt terrible for a time...and a time again.  To not be able to hide behind your normal defense mechanisms is a terrible and wonderful thing.  Terrible and wonderful are a great team - especially 7 years later.  In the moment it totally sucked!, yet I am grateful.  Especially since I have been assured in retrospect, "No, Lizzy, I really could not see that you were afraid all the time; that you really felt you were dying most moments of the day even though it was totally irrational.  Or that a close secondary concern was how your ass looked in those jeans. (Every thing is relative?).  Or who you have a massive, embarrassing crush on."  But the point is I started to be honest with people; being honest is a lot easier when you think "they" have seen it anyways.

To be seen is a wonderful thing.  Now people saw in part what God saw in whole.  Only I don't think God requires modesty.  But, don't worry, people like me do: occasionally I still check my shoulder for a strap.

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