Thursday, January 24, 2013

My Last Best Year: Janna's Story

I asked my nearest and dearest to write about life unscripted.  And their own process with that.  And my brave, beautiful, and bold friend Janna took the bait first.  Bless her.  Here is her story: 

You know, I thought I had it all.  Got married when I was 23 (perfect in my mind), traveled the world and lived the dream.  Around 27, decided that it was time to start trying to have kids (perfect in my mind).  So, we tried.  For 3 years we tried.  At some point, in the midst of the waiting and 2 miscarriages, we decided to start the adoption process, which we had wanted to do anyway.  And then it all came together.  We were adopting 3 wonderful Ethiopian girls, while I was 4 months pregnant and counting.  What wonderful timing (perfect in my mind)!  4 kids in 5 months. And everything came together perfectly until it all started to crumble.  What I didn't know was that I struggled with some things that would never really surface until kids were introduced into my life.  Suddenly, my perfect world disintegrated under a lot of sin.  I could no longer lie to myself about having it all and living in a bit of heaven on earth.  All I saw were my failures, inadequacies and junk.  And it got worse...and worse...and worse.  And God continued to let me spiral downward and didn't step in to fix it just so I could feel better about myself.  

It was like I was a puzzle.  I had it all together but the pieces weren't in the right places and you couldn't make out the picture it was trying to portray.  And then, God stepped in and began breaking the puzzle apart, piece by piece by piece until all of the pieces were scattered all over the floor.  And I was so mad!  Sure, the puzzle wasn't perfect before or even recognizable but at least it was together!!  Now, it's just a mess!  And then, after 3 years of my own form of hell, He started to put the pieces back together, piece by piece by piece.  It's not done yet and it's not how I would've done it but then again, one thing I have learned from all this: I am not God.

No comments:

Post a Comment